'I could feel a sense of loss; it felt like I had lost a limb even though I hadn't.'

A woman shares her struggle through an abortion and the loss of a relationship.

I woke up feeling strange and empty. My hands were shivering, my mind wandering and I was feeling extremely restless. I could feel a sense of loss; it felt like I had lost a limb even though I hadn’t. I could see the dark end approaching and couldn’t imagine life after. I would stare endlessly at my computer screen counting seconds to pass by, and each second felt like an hour.

I suffered an abortion. At a time, where I couldn’t even comprehend childbirth, I was asked to abort a child. And the man responsible for it chose to walk away as per his convenience, citing that he was too young to be a part of the trauma. I went through both the physical and emotional effects alone. I couldn’t even understand why I was mourning the end of a relationship, crying over someone so irresponsible. The day after the abortion I felt like an emotional wreck. The following day I was empty, sad and numb. I was told that I would be out for eight minutes and I would feel only a little discomfort afterward. They lied. It ruined the next 3 years of my life. The man who said he loved me for 6 years, bailed out on me because he was too scared to commit. I couldn’t even absorb what happened.

Slowly I suffered from low self-esteem. I grew cranky, irritated and socially awkward. I had nightmares where I was forced to see my baby being ripped apart in front of me. I would lock myself in a room and cry all day. I would sleep not wanting to wake up the next day. I wasn’t a coward but I wished I could erase all the pain from my life permanently. I was embarrassed to share my story with anyone as I felt guilt and shame. The day I decided to give up and end the pain in my mind, a voice in my head directed me towards seeking help. I read up online and visited a therapist, with no expectations of getting better. I was sure that nobody can help me. I found myself sitting in the room with a lady questioning me and my choices. I sat there, adamant to not utter a word. She waited patiently. I left without saying anything, but the silence pushed me to go back. The second time I was with the therapist, I poured my heart out. I spoke without a filter and without the fear of being judged. That was the best decision of my life. She helped me set realistic goals for the future and helped me identify and channel my emotions positively. I was hesitant towards medication at first, but slowly started to feel better.

I am in a much better place now and I am glad that I have learned to cope with depression and take it in my stride.

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