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'I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to seem weak'

Meghana shares how seeking help made it easier to cope with depression

I felt like I could live a normal life without having to hide from society. Sophomore year came up and little did I know that this year would be a life-changing one. I worked hard and loved my life. I had everything I ever wanted.

Suddenly my grades dropped and I lost interest in social interactions. But there was this feeling, this feeling of emptiness and guilt, this feeling of extreme fatigue that arose in me. I didn’t understand what was causing this. I couldn’t get up in the morning or eat properly. I couldn’t focus on anything. I would hole up in my bed or in the bathroom and cry for no reason. I didn’t want to face anyone either.

I was confused. My upper body and chest used to hurt so much that I would be on the floor in pain. During tests, my palms would get sweaty and I would forget everything. I would come home, feel dizzy and just pass out. I still didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I didn’t want to seem weak. I didn’t want to be a burden on my parents so I hid it.

I don’t know how but one of my teachers knew something was wrong. He used to observe me and make sure that I was okay. When he knew that I needed help, he informed my counselor and I was called in. She told me what my teacher told her and I looked at her in disgust. I yelled "I don’t need any help. I’m fine the way I am. I don’t know what he’s saying."

Yes, I was in denial. I refused to talk to her about anything but eventually I opened up. Tears rolled down my eyes. I started talking so fast that she couldn’t understand anything. She told me that I was overwhelmed and that I had a problem. She told me that I was suffering from Major Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. (btw, I am SO thankful to my AP World teacher and my counselor for everything they did.) I didn’t know what to do or where to go.

I couldn’t tell my parents because they would think I’m crazy. I didn’t tell anyone. The only two people who knew were my teacher and my counselor. I kept everything inside and dealt with it on my own. I am going to be honest. It was hard. My cheeks used to be red from crying and my shoulders would hurt from the knots in them. I was normal around my friends but I was struggling inside to hold up a presentable face.

The year passed and no one knew about my depression. That’s what I thought. Little did I know that my mom knew something was wrong and I got better with her realizing that there was a problem. I am not going to cannot disclose how I got better and how I recovered because I am not ready for that yet. The bottom line is that I got better and I’m healed now. I recovered completely. Sometimes it creeps up on me but I just remember god and sleep on it. I love my life now and I can say for a fact that these experiences in my life have made me stronger and happier. I am who I am today because of what I have experienced. I’m thankful for the people who stuck by my side and everyone who gives me so much love every day.

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