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'I had sent a message to some of my loved ones apologizing for my failure and not being strong enough.'

Alexandria shares her story about dealing with depression, self-harm and suicidal thoughts.

Depression was my closest partner in life. It’s beside me when I wake up. It’s the passenger when I drive my car and it tucks me into bed at night with thoughts that I’d be better off if this was my last night. For many, depression is an emotion thrown around lightly. For me, it’s embodies every breath, every smile, every emotion I go through. Just a month ago, I wanted to end my relationship with depression. Not in the sense that I should get help. I wasn’t motivated to do that nor did I have the energy to embark on that journey. I wanted to give up.

I felt so alone, so overwhelmed with emotion (because depression has a spectrum of numbness or incredible overwhelming-ness) that I felt like I was drowning above water. I couldn’t see a future because I was blinded with every so-called failure of my past. I wanted to go back to being numb. I wanted the mental pain to go away, so I took pills. A lot of pills. Psychologically this calmed me down. It was an accomplishment but I hated that I succumbed to it so I leaned on something else that has comforted me in the darkest times; a blade.

After a tranced session to seek control of the self-harm I was indulging in, I laid on my floor, anticipating black to wash over me. I had sent a message to some of my loved ones apologizing for my failure and not being strong enough. Thankfully, my Mother and a couple friends knew there was something wrong and came to my house. The night was spent waiting to be bandaged and checked by a doctor at hospital.

While I was recovering (1 month clean of self-harm today!) I realised that being open about mental health and how it has affected me is extremely important. You cannot be helped if you yourself do not open to the possibilities and the opportunities around.

Sure, there is a stigma attached and mental health isn’t something discussed openly but with the likes of this foundation, there is hope for us. This isn’t a full success story, but I am definitely recovering. I have learned to fall in love with life again. Learned to hope again. Learned to have faith again.

I believe that we have the courage and power within ourselves to recover and be who we want to be and do what we love and that’ll be easier with help. Never be put off by negative experiences with professionals. Seek out and you’ll find someone you can connect with. There will be days you’ll feel low but always remember that you are here and therefore you matter. If you are looking for a sign that someone cares. This is it. You do not walk alone anymore.

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