It feels like all your worst fears are engulfing you. All of them hit you one by one as you try to shake it off. And just when you manage to get these thoughts out of your mind, another nasty thought comes in to bug you.
I feel like my insides are writhing in pain. As if I am marooned on the darkest island on the planet, far away from civilization, people, and HAPPINESS. It feels like I am an empty chest with nothing inside.
Depression has taught me the value of health, both physical and mental, and how it can shape your overall well-being. I know for a fact that my life is not bad. But I am going through an absolutely awful patch and it feels as if nothing in this world will make me happy.
To be more specific, there were no external triggers that caused my depression. The things that make someone happy fails to me give me any joy and that is a scary feeling. Sometimes I feel it is better to die than to lead a life like this.
There are times when I feel proud of myself for not succumbing, for not caving-in to what my depression urged me to do, and for staying strong even when I knew I was absolutely broken inside.
This is when I realized my potential. Despite being scared and depressed, I managed to pull up my socks and put on a brave front in front of my peers and friends, not letting them even detect the tiniest trace of sadness in me. There are times when I have to force myself to laugh or smile when all I want to do is cry. There are times when I just want to wallow in my own grief and not even face the mirror, let alone other people.
You do not tap your feet or hum along when you hear your favourite song. You do not dress up or try to look good. Even a hug from your lovely parents or your support system does not elevate your mood. You are unable to see the positive aspects of your personality but your flaws are highlighted. You fall out of love for life and all you want to do is cry. This is depression.
It’s like being trapped in a dungeon full of never ending rooms. You escape from one only to land in another room which represents your darkest thoughts and fears, each far worse than the one before.
Eventually, you see a faint light, a light full of hope, love, positivity and happiness. But that light seems far away. So far away that even when you cry out for help but nothing works. And in the depths of your despair, it feels like you are in an everlasting rut with that faint light beckoning from a distance.
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